my chest feels funny, i hope this medicine isn’t doing something dangerous to me.
i can still take deep breaths but there is a strange feeling in my chest. it’s like something is stuck in my throat but isn’t at the same time i can’t aptly describe it. it’s strange typing something like this because you think you may die and want to leave a note though. i guess mortality is something i always saw as a natural hindrance to my only dream; I want to read as many interesting books as i can for as long as possible and talk about them with similarly motivated individuals.
the problem is that most people like me are just as introverted as i am, and that means we don’t get out much leading to difficulties in a chance meeting. there is no way in hell i’m initiating something like a group meet or book club either, book clubs are for people that enjoy talking with like minded people, not for people that enjoy reading books.
so yea, hope i don’t die and i’m just being paranoid. this is me trying to play Murphy for a life extension. if i prepare for it as best as i’m able i’ll probably live.
still scared about my leg thingie, don’t even want to call it a rash anymore. could be a lot of things but i can’t trust that it’s just skin irritation or even an easily fixed bacterial infection. the medicine i’m taking for it isn’t to bad probably, some general bacteria meds that should clear up anything not that dangerous.
I… can’t say i’m like other people, i’m not your average introvert. i don’t hate public speaking, but i have a really fucking terrible short term memory, so i always forget my lines unless i spend like… weeks memorizing them. i don’t hate talking to people, but i was conditioned to avoid conversation by living through elementary school gossip about cartoons with no television in the house.
Not having any idea who ed ed or eddy were and being made fun of for it made me do the only thing i found that made almost everyone ignore me, read books. when my parents told me reading was a good thing i kept at my antisocial people avoiding reading habits.
problem was everyone watched tv instead of read books, so nobody could relate to me in school. but my parents reinforced the reading habits and talked shit about tvs anyway so i moved farther and farther away from my classmates. the only people i could really bond with in school were people i would rather not talk with, the only other people persistent enough to talk to me were already pushed away by everyone else, when i only ignored them instead of making fun of them and pushing them away they latched onto me like leaches pushing even the most friendly people i like associating with outside of my reading habits further away from me, that is when i started feeling truly alone.
wow this is getting too deep for me, but it’s true that around then don’t remember exactly when but that is around when i started feeling left out of everything, the church kids liked sports and that’s what they talked about, the school kids like cartoons and that’s all they talked about. i didn’t enjoy either and everyone that read books was as isolated as me or hid it behind superficial knowledge they gained by watching tv when they were board or overheard other people talking about. Jacob Dakota and Matt are all good people but i always feel like a third wheel with them, i’m not too into group activities and value my alone time greatly, this introversion of mine has been ingrained into me accidentally by my parents from elementary.
so yea, big ass tangent, i’m an introvert i blame the books and not having an easy conversation starter to talk about with classmates, and i’m scared i may die because the medicine i’m taking and some other stuff.
now you all know more about me than most of my friends and family ever did thanks for reading and you probably shouldn’t have it’s a bit embarrassing to think some randos will be seeing this eventually.