Me

Does it scare you to think about what it means to be human? to be nothing but flesh wrapped around bone… controlled by a pink fleshy blob that’s protected by just a layer of skin and 6.7 mm of bone? does it scare you to think about what it means to die? how easy it is to lose your life?

it scares me and i think about it all the time. i think about how the only thing i can change about my life, is how much people have to remember me by when i die. i think about how the most meaningful thing i can do in my life is make myself so memorable people don’t forget me until they can’t remember anything anyway.

because dying is the finish line and cheating in this marathon called life is punishable by death.

sometimes i think i’m the only one really scared of it. that everyone else just ignores the facts, and lives like they don’t exist. it makes me wonder if i’m the one doing it wrong. if accepting death and cherishing life is a mistake. if i should go out, smoke and drive reckless hoping i can forget that i’ll die if i take one wrong step. if i should treat others poorly because they will die in the end just like me, and if the end is the same for everyone then what happens on the way doesn’t matter. but i can’t make myself do that. i want to be able to trust and cherish everyone in the short time we all have. not fear that they may end my life early because they don’t care what happens to others when we all die in the end regardless.

this isn’t about what happens after we all die, it’s about what we all have to deal with here on earth, when the only thing we know is that when someone stops, they don’t start again and we all have to deal with it until we stop as well.

 

ugh ima type about myself don’t look plz

my chest feels funny, i hope this medicine isn’t doing something dangerous to me.

i can still take deep breaths but there is a strange feeling in my chest. it’s like something is stuck in my throat but isn’t at the same time i can’t aptly describe it. it’s strange typing something like this because you think you may die and want to leave a note though. i guess mortality is something i always saw as a natural hindrance to my only dream; I want to read as many interesting books as i can for as long as possible and talk about them with similarly motivated individuals.

the problem is that most people like me are just as introverted as i am, and that means we don’t get out much leading to difficulties in a chance meeting. there is no way in hell i’m initiating something like a group meet or book club either, book clubs are for people that enjoy talking with like minded people, not for people that enjoy reading books.

so yea, hope i don’t die and i’m just being paranoid. this is me trying to play Murphy for a life extension. if i prepare for it as best as i’m able i’ll probably live.

still scared about my leg thingie, don’t even want to call it a rash anymore. could be a lot of things but i can’t trust that it’s just skin irritation or even an easily fixed bacterial infection. the medicine i’m taking for it isn’t to bad probably, some general bacteria meds that should clear up anything not that dangerous.

I… can’t say i’m like other people, i’m not your average introvert. i don’t hate public speaking, but i have a really fucking terrible short term memory, so i always forget my lines unless i spend like… weeks memorizing them. i don’t hate talking to people, but i was conditioned to avoid conversation by living through elementary school gossip about cartoons with no television in the house.

Not having any idea who ed ed or eddy were and being made fun of for it made me do the only thing i found that made almost everyone ignore me, read books. when my parents told me reading was a good thing i kept at my antisocial people avoiding reading habits.

problem was everyone watched tv instead of read books, so nobody could relate to me in school. but my parents reinforced the reading habits and talked shit about tvs anyway so i moved farther and farther away from my classmates. the only people i could really bond with in school were people i would rather not talk with, the only other people persistent enough to talk to me were already pushed away by everyone else, when i only ignored them instead of making fun of them and pushing them away they latched onto me like leaches pushing even the most friendly people i like associating with outside of my reading habits further away from me, that is when i started feeling truly alone.

wow this is getting too deep for me, but it’s true that around then don’t remember exactly when but that is around when i started feeling left out of everything, the church kids liked sports and that’s what they talked about, the school kids like cartoons and that’s all they talked about. i didn’t enjoy either and everyone that read books was as isolated as me or hid it behind superficial knowledge they gained by watching tv when they were board or overheard other people talking about. Jacob Dakota and Matt are all good people but i always feel like a third wheel with them, i’m not too into group activities and value my alone time greatly, this introversion of mine has been ingrained into me accidentally by my parents from elementary.

so yea, big ass tangent, i’m an introvert i blame the books and not having an easy conversation starter to talk about with classmates, and i’m scared i may die because the medicine i’m taking and some other stuff.

now you all know more about me than most of my friends and family ever did thanks for reading and you probably shouldn’t have it’s a bit embarrassing to think some randos will be seeing this eventually.

Nobody will see this right?

i really wish that america would rework their current drug laws, solitary confinement has been known to cause recidivism and mental health issues for a long time now, school teachers are underpaid for their contributions to our future, and students pay more than ever for the education they receive.

standardized testing is an unproductive and ineffective way to analyze the intelligence and potential of individuals unless you want to create people that all meekly follow a small path toward a boring future were everyone fits into pre-fit slots or positions.

our society doesn’t value art, play, and creativity like it should, and we are paying for it with an increase in boring paperwork, regulations, and a focus on efficiency that only serves to quicken the depletion of any natural land left. i’m not going to say that our education system is directly responsible for deforestation, but schools teach using simple bubble sheets, repetition, and direct questions that encourage the use of systems and programs that are already in place instead of looking for creative solutions to problems. if we want to keep things the way we are now, our current education system is the perfect way to do that.

if we want to solve the problems that america faces, and will face in the future, our first steps should include changing our law enforcement systems, and reworking our education programs to better fit a society that can think on its feet, come up with creative solutions, and actually be a great nation that we want to believe we are.

everyone in america says we are the greatest country in the world, that america is the best… but we haven’t been for a long time. we stole the land we live on, we have fought among ourselves, nearly torn ourselves in two as a nation, but we still have the pride to call ourselves the greatest. we poke our nose where it doesn’t belong and police the world while our own country is committing the same atrocities overseas where are laws don’t effect us.